I was reading Ellen DeGeneres’s “Seriously… I’m Kidding” the other day. Yes, I know, it took me a while to get round to it. I can’t believe it came out in 2011!
Anyway, whilst this is a very enjoyable read, I have to say I take issue with some of it.
To be more precise, I take issue with the flip-flop ‘problem’.
Now, I love Ellen, I really do (if you’re reading this, Ellen, thank you for being such an amazing woman).
But I find myself having a very BIG problem with you. What the Hell is wrong with you that such a remarkable, worldly, knowledgeable woman like yourself doesn’t understand flip-flops?!
That’s right. I am writing this to right the wrong done to the pieces of plastic you put on your feet.
It’s not like they can defend themselves.
So, dear Ellen, here goes.
Yes, one can walk in flip-flops, jandals, thongs, or whatever you want to call them. I’ve myself actually walked (and then ran) a trail in Abel Tasman National Park, NZ wearing nothing on my feet but plastic soles. Maybe that’s the kiwi in me, but I’m pretty sure if I can do that, most human beings should be able to walk on a beach with them (even though why would you not be barefoot on a beach is beyond me).
Because here is the thing: jandals are the next best thing to walking barefoot. Try it, seriously. Not constriction, no weird rubbing or blisters. It’s just like not wearing any footwear, whilst still wearing footwear! It’s amazing, truly. The only other option you have is walking everywhere barefoot. I do that a lot. Just not in big European cities. Don’t do that in big European cities. You might catch something. It’s disgusting.
Now that I’m writing this, I’m realising that in fact, wearing flip flops is like having a one night stand with a condom. You don’t think about it. You just do! Same thing goes, and no, it’s not weird at all as a comparison. Have you seen the state of the streets around here?! Filthy.
So, you really want to be feeling free, and you’re thinking “no shoes.” But then, you also have to be responsible, so you have to add a little bit of rubber, to make sure you’re ok in the long run. SAME THING!
Yes, I’ve managed to write more than 400 words on nothing but little plastic soles. Damn, I guess I’m good.
Now for the “wordly” point, Ellen.
Flip-flops are the original shoes of humanity. It’s the simplest protection, the one that still allows complete freedom. And it’s being worn by most of the world, so something must be right with thongs. All our ancestors combined plus half the world can’t be entirely wrong (actually, it could, see the “Earth is flat” little issue they had at some point. But I’m going to choose to ignore this right now, as this won’t help my point).
Let’s recapitulate, shall we?
Plastic soles are protection, they are historic (yes, I went there), they are worn by half of humanity right this moment (I’m pretty sure), they allow freedom…
You need more? Oh Ellen! Maybe I should just buy you a pair of jandals and send it to you wherever it is you are and you could just give it another try?
Because the truth is, I only have one more thing to say. And in case you were slightly confused, that was my point all along:
FLIP-FLOPS ARE GREAT